Relationships can be both beautiful and challenging, and sometimes we need a little guidance to navigate the complexities of love and partnership. That’s where couples therapy becomes invaluable. It offers insights, tools, and strategies to help couples overcome obstacles and build stronger, more fulfilling connections. In this post, we’re sharing eight transformative lessons from a seasoned couples therapist. Whether you’re seeking advice to resolve conflicts or strengthen your bond, these lessons can serve as a roadmap to a healthier relationship.
Here are eight important lessons she has learned about what makes relationships thrive.
1. Understand That Children Will Change Your Relationship
Having children is one of the biggest transformations a couple can experience. It’s not something you can fully prepare for because it alters the dynamic in ways you may not expect.
Before kids, couples often have more time and energy to focus on each other. After children, the demands of parenting can leave little room for nurturing the relationship. Frustrations can arise as both partners try to balance their needs with those of the family.
However, this doesn’t mean the change is negative. Many couples find that parenting deepens their bond as they grow together through shared challenges. The key is to acknowledge that your relationship will evolve and to adapt to those changes with patience and teamwork.
2. Fighting Can Be Healthy
Arguments are often seen as a bad sign in a relationship, but avoiding conflict can be worse. Couples who never argue may be “parking” their feelings, hiding issues that eventually resurface in unhealthy ways.
Disagreements allow partners to express their true selves, which fosters intimacy and understanding. The important thing is to fight constructively—without blame or hostility—and to view disagreements as opportunities to grow closer.
3. Stop Blaming and Start Understanding
It’s tempting to see conflicts as someone’s fault, but relationships are rarely that simple. Instead of looking for someone to blame, try to understand how both of you have contributed to the situation.
Susanna Abse often reminds couples that their struggles are co-created. For example, if one partner craves closeness while the other pulls away, both play a role in the dynamic. By stepping back and seeing the issue as a shared challenge, couples can work together to address it.
4. Use “I Feel” Statements Instead of “You Always”
When tensions rise, it’s easy to fall into accusations: “You always forget,” or “You never listen.” These statements often make the other person defensive and shut down communication.
A better approach is to focus on your own feelings: “I feel hurt when this happens.” This shifts the conversation from blame to vulnerability, making it easier for your partner to understand your perspective and respond with empathy.
5. Recognize That Children Can Complicate Dynamics
Children bring immense joy, but they can also amplify underlying tensions in a relationship. Often, couples unconsciously project their own unresolved feelings onto their children. For example, a couple who avoids conflict might notice their child acting out because the tension has shifted to them.
Awareness is crucial. By addressing your own relationship dynamics, you can create a healthier environment for your family.
6. Don’t Ignore Intimacy
Physical intimacy is an important part of many relationships. While it’s normal for the frequency of sex to fluctuate, long periods without intimacy can create distance between partners.
If your sex life is waning, don’t ignore it. Open, honest conversations about your needs and concerns can help you reconnect. If anxiety or discomfort makes these talks difficult, acknowledge that vulnerability and approach the topic gently.
7. Avoid Threatening to Leave
In moments of anger or frustration, it’s tempting to say things like, “Maybe we should just split up.” While these statements might feel like a release, they can deeply harm the trust and security that relationships need to thrive.
Instead, focus on resolving the issue at hand without introducing ultimatums. Building a strong foundation requires mutual commitment and reassurance, even during tough times.
8. Be Brave and Stay Curious
Relationships require courage—both to face uncomfortable truths and to explore the deeper issues beneath surface-level conflicts. Many couples fear that seeking therapy means their relationship is doomed, but the opposite is often true.
Therapy provides a safe space to untangle emotions, clarify misunderstandings, and rediscover each other. The process can feel like a separation, as each partner examines themselves and their role in the relationship. But this kind of self-awareness often leads to a stronger, more authentic connection.
Conclusion
Every relationship has its unique challenges, but with patience, open communication, and mutual effort, couples can build a lasting bond. Susanna Abse’s insights remind us that relationships are not about avoiding conflict or achieving perfection. They’re about navigating life’s complexities together, with honesty and courage.
By embracing these lessons, you can strengthen your connection, deepen your understanding, and create a partnership that grows stronger with time.
